Lord, Hear this as my prayer. I am not very much into saying words but I am good at writing them down. All my feelings expressed into words written on a paper or typed on a through a visible notepad on the screen. All these ways Lord I communicate to you. Please take this as my prayer.

Dear Lord,

These past few days and months, I have fallen. Fallen hard for someone I had loved before. He does not love me back because his heart belongs to another, His eyes look into someone else’s and his laughs are brought about by this wonderful girl. Lord, how I wish so hard to be the reason of his happiness just like she is. How I wish I could make his day just by being there beside him instead of feeling like I annoy him so much. Lord, I asked for signs to you before to know my place in his heart, I asked stupid things like “Lord, if he truly loves me then make him reply to my text.” and I don’t want to do that anymore. Lord, show me, guide me, tell me if I should give up, If I should quit trying to make him feel the same way because clearly he doesn’t feel the same way. Lord, I have lost to her, this wonderful girl. I can’t help it, she’s perfect, I’m not. his eyes only see her and fails to even notice me. Lord, help me please, I have fallen too hard and it hurts me so much. I act like I am happy but In all truth I am close to breaking down. Lord, please tell me things will get better. Please tell me what I need to know. I need you now Lord.I need strength. I have given too much to this boy and he has taken as much, equally. What do I do?

I’m lowering myself and my pride to love someone who doesn’t love me back. It hurst because I’m still hoping, hoping that things would turn around and a miracle would happen. That’s the truth. But I know and feel in my heart that I am only being played with but what I don’t understand is that why I continue to torture myself with my love for him.

Don’t think I don’t feel bad about being the scum of this family, the dirt that should be removed from all of you, the disgrace because I am retarded as fuck. I know you’re not proud of me, none of you are. Can I blame you? Have I ever really given you something to be proud about? None. I understand. I just don’t get why you still keep me around, if you want to get rid of me then leave me of a street somewhere to fend for my life because maybe I’ve just become too much of a spoiled brat to really accomplish anything, you’re right, I can’t blame you for that but think about it, wouldn’t your life be better without me? Less headaches and stomach to feed and persons to worry about. Just get rid of me please. Take me out in the car and leave me somewhere in Bataan or anything just somewhere far where I can wander off someplace and get lost and starve, that idea is better, a whole lot better than this joke of a life. See? Even now I am ungrateful.

Don’t get mad at me. First of all, I never wanted this course, I never liked it, YOU chose it for me, who am I to argue with you, I told you before I wanted Enderun or someplace else but you kept pushing SFU, and then I was like okay, SFU but I want to study culinary, but no, you decide to enroll me in HM, fucking HM, first of all, I don’t want to be cleaning bedrooms and toilets the rest of my life and I certainly cannot be a manager, All I ever wanted was to be a chef, a CHEF for chris’sake, I don’t get how you don’t understand me, A chef, I WANT TO BE A CHEF! How is that so hard to understand.

I’m failing because of one reason, I hate this course and everything that comes with it. Screw SFU. SCREW HM.

You think its funny? That I’m right here right now falling apart because you said you didn’t love me anymore. You took my heart with you and what’s sad about it is that I let you.I was stupid. I opened up, They said not to.

I thought it was actually perfect. I thought I had it all figured out. The sad truth is I never really knew what I was doing in the first place, with you, with me. I just kind of went with it. Maybe that was my mistake, I just went with it. It’s not easy losing you, to be honest you were my first and I could never really take you off my mind. I wasn’t good to you, the mistakes I made.

I Love You but it hurts knowing that you don’t feel the same way. The hate you must have towards me, I don’t blame you, I’d hate myself too but what you’re doing isn’t fair. You’re cold and no longer do I sense the warmth I used to feel before. Now its just like i’m a guest whose overstayed his/her welcome. The pain of losing you is too great and I can’t bear it, The mere thought of being so close to someone one day and losing them entirely the next is sickening. Its like my body was lifted and thrown but when the fear had subsided I had realized that I just kept falling and never hitting the ground and because of this continuous mindless torture that my body actually craves for that pain that accompanies the fall on the ground, the mere fact that I would choose the best way to end this pain even though it means taking the easy way out.

It kills me. You don’t love me, You never did and what’s sad is that I still keep hoping.